Shame.
Yesterday my older brother arrived at our front door to visit and I must admit that I almost wish he hadn’t.
He was recently diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and while I was aware he had .. mobility… issues, seeing it first hand is an experience I’m not enjoying. It takes him 10 minutes just to make it down the hall to use the restroom, cane in hand, and all the while grimacing in pain. He spent all day yesterday confined to the couch either sleeping or watching the television, always medicated, always with icepacks on his lower joints. None of his customary joking or amused demeanor… just a shadow of his former self. This is a condition that will last his lifetime and there is no known cure.
Out of arrogance, narcissism or perhaps even anger from past transgressions against me, I find the foremost emotion present in my heart not to be sympathy for him but to be horror. If my older brother can be diminished to almost a wheelchair bound state what stands in the way of such a disease inflicting me.
I’m ashamed.
October 14, 2008 at 3:30 am
Try not to be ashamed. I think it’s human nature to think about things like that…especially so soon after the diagnoses. It’s quite a shock to learn something like that, and it takes a while for the brain to process everything properly.
I’ve felt ashamed lately too. After finding out my best friend has terminal cancer, all I can do is think about how hard this is going to be for ME. I keep losing sight of what she is facing.
I’m trying to give myself a break though, and I hope you give yourself a break too.
And, I wish the best for your brother.