Disclaimer: Those whom are deeply religious may be offended by the following writing. If you believe you could potentially be offended by the ramblings of an agnostic on the subject of religon I suggest you stop reading and go watch cartoons or something. Think happy thoughts.

I am currently attending a private college located in southern california. So far the institution is great, the instructors are great (my primary instructor is amazing) and the campus itself is nice. There is, however, one caveat: It’s a Christian institution.

This, in itself, didn’t bother me while I was going through the admission process as I assumed it meant the faculty was christian and they perhaps had stricter policies in dress, appearance, etc (they do). What got me a little annoyed was the other day when the President of the school walks in, gives a little spiel about her background and then proceeds to say that the reason she created the institution was because on the night of XX during the month of XX at XXXX o’clock in the morning God woke her from her sleep and spoke to her, telling her that her mission in life was to develop this college in question.

……

So I was polite during her little speech and didn’t laugh, or smirk, or anything… just maintained my poker face and was respectful. Didn’t join in the applause now that I think of it but hey, I’m just a man. By the way the bible says:

If a man still prophesies, his parents, father and mother, shall say to him, “You shall not live, because you have spoken a lie in the name of the Lord.” When he prophesies, his parents, father and mother, shall thrust him through. (Zechariah 13:3 NAB)

In other words, death to false prophets.

Anyways, cue today’s events.

It’s been some time since the alleged Prophet has spoken, class is about to conclude for the day and in walks in a former student whom just received notice from the state that she passed her certification testing. She gives this story about how she was going through hard times, struggling through school, money was nonexistent, etc etc.  She than began to tear up and with tears running down her cheeks stated that without Jesus as her savior she would never have been able to do it, now without God looking out for her, no way no how… and most of the class cheered her and applauded.

WHAT THE FUCK????

Why are they applauding that she believes herself to be worthless without some imaginary being? Why do people think of themselves to be at the mercy of some deity? I just don’t fucking get it. I try so hard to be understanding and caring and accepting of so many beliefs but today was just the last fucking straw. You know what it’s called when you feel you can’t achieve anything on your own without the support of some god?

PATHETIC.

What a way to fucking progress as a species. As long as we pray X amount of times a day, maybe in X direction, maybe give X amount of money to a church/synagogue/temple, maybe expel X amount of infidels from our country and maybe, just maybe, we’ll get what we pray for.

No amount of prayer will save you from what life brings you tomorrow.  I wish people would stop hiding from the realization that control over life is an illusion.

Just enjoy it while you can.

I’m going to sleep now.

Took this a month ago while visiting the LA museums, expositions, bodyworks, etc…….

Poor thing =( Must be lonely.

Feeling sentimental today. Have a little Ben Harper…

Waiting on an angel
One to carry me home
Hope you come to see me soon
Cause I dont want to go alone
I dont want to go alone

Waiting on an angel
One to carry me home
Hope you come to see me soon
Cause I dont want to go alone
I dont want to go alone
Dont want to go
I dont want to go alone

Every once in a while… or rather, fuck it, CONSTANTLY we need to express some kind of upbeat emotion. FUCK whatever is ailing us. FUCK the norm, Fuck the standard, it just becomes time for us to express whatever it is that is in us. Does music perhaps lead the way? For some of us, well, fuck yes it does.

Be inspired ye people, be inspired.

One of life’s greatest tragedies is the inevitable lesson that no matter how hard you fight it, how many walls you throw out in front of yourself, or how introverted you think yourself to be… you’re going to put your faith in someone. Someone you believe to be amazing and wonderful. And everything is great.

At least for a while.

Until the day they let you down. Then the pedestal crumbles and the projected image of the person you thought you were with begins to fade. And all of a sudden, almost as if it was overnight, you realize Hey, this isn’t what I fucking signed up for, this isn’t the man/woman i fell in love with, where did you get lost along the way?

Misplaced faith is a bitch.

And you, bring me to my knees again
All the times that I could beg you please, in vain
All the times that I’ve felt insecure for you
And I leave my burdens at the door

Chorus
But I’m on the outside and I’m looking in
I can see through you, see your true colors
‘Cause inside you’re ugly, you’re ugly like me
I can see through you, see to the real you

All the times, that I felt like this won’t end
It’s for you
And I taste what I could never have
It was from you
All the times that I’ve cried
My intentions were full of pride
But I waste more time than anyone

Chorus

All the times that I’ve cried
All this wasted, it’s all inside
And I feel all this pain
I stuffed it down, it’s back again
And I lie here in bed
All alone, I can’t mend
But I feel, tomorrow will be okay

Chorus

Certain songs have the ability to touch us deeply, penetrating whatever emotional walls we have established for whatever reason and melodically soothing our souls. While going through old playlists I rediscovered this treasure and felt the need to share. I’m sure LyricallyMe may remember this from another blog written long ago…

I’m not sure I’ve heard a more beautiful song.

Performed by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman.

Con Te Partiro – (Translated)

When Im alone
I dream on the horizon
And words fail;
Yes, I know there is no light
In a room
Where the sun is not there
If you are not with me.
At the windows
Show everyone my heart
Which you set alight;
Enclose within me
The light you
Encountered on the street.

Time to say goodbye,
To countries I never
Saw and shared with you,
Now, yes, I shall experience them,
Ill go with you
On ships across seas
Which, I know,
No, no, exist no longer;
With you I shall experience them.

When you are far away
I dream on the horizon
And words fail,
And yes, I know
That you are with me;
You, my moon, are here with me,
My sun, you are here with me.
With me, with me, with me,

Time to say goodbye,
To countries I never
Saw and shared with you,
Now, yes, I shall experience them,
Ill go with you
On ships across seas
Which, I know,
No, no, exist no longer;
With you I shall re-experience them.
Ill go with you
On ships across seas
Which, I know,
No, no, exist no longer;
With you I shall re-experience them.
Ill go with you,
I with you.

Or in this case, just open your mouth and the crowd is with you.

As mentioned before, I loooooove music. If music had a pair of long legs and killer eyes, I’d marry her. Anyhow, a great part of music is a live performance. I remember being at a Muse concert and just being amazed at the crowd interaction… its such a beautiful thing to see. Just being one of several thousand, everyone intent on bringing their hands together to the beat… nothing else mattered. The crowds voice rang out as one and as goosebumps broke out over me I had to stop and take a breath as I was overwhelmed by the experience. Good fucking times.

Here’s an example of the crowd letting loose. =)

Or… if you prefer Pink, here she is doing a cover of “What’s Up?” (4 Non Blondes)

and I’m at the lake of the local college campus.

I’m not sure what brings me here, really, just while running errands I found myself drawn to here. I’m not attending classes this semester, so watching the hustle and bustle of students just beginning their terms imparts a sense of inadequacy on me. Oh well, I’m trying to save money to move. I step forward from the bench I had been sitting on and skipped a lone rock across the water. 3 skips. I used to be better at this. As the circles of impact expand ever outward, once again my thoughts wander.

Moments before I had been trying to imagine would I would do different in any future relationship, how I would be. Wondering what residual affect my last relationship would have, if any. So I tried to picture myself in love again with someone and while doing this I tried to imagine putting as much effort into any future relationship as much as I had put in my last. And a phrase came flying out of my mouth before I even realized I was going to speak. No fucking way.

There is a nudge at my left leg and I look down. A dark, feathered head is plucking its way over the ground, oblivious to this 6 foot 2 human male standing in its way. “Hey buddy. How’s it going?” Webbed feet make their way towards me once again. Stopping about a foot away, he/she lifts it’s beak and utters a long shrill response. “Quaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack” and snorting, waddles away.

Anyways, like I had said, No fucking way. I try to imagine being nice, sweet, caring like I’ve always been and it just doesn’t compute. Too long have my extra efforts gone unappreciated that I just don’t see it happening again. I see myself as being very detached in any sort of future dating situation. After everything I’ve been through, after being able to endure and hold true to who I am for so long its finally happened.

The hopeless romantic is finally dead.

In an interest to escape the dark cave that has become my bedroom (and the wrath of my father), I chose to see two movies today at the theatre. Back to back, no breaks, no planning, just drive on over and see what chance has in mind for us. Turns out Chance either had it out for me today, or just has really shitty taste in visual entertainment. Anyhow, I found myself watching first Death Race and then The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor.

Don’t worry, I’m not here to write movie reviews. Suffice it to say that Death Race was a typical brainless action movie, The Mummy was just like the rest. I did, however, want to take a moment to just write about my interaction with the audiences of both films. Oh yes, we did interact. I’m just not sure they realized it.

During both movies, from time to time, I would glance to the left, right, and behind of me. The wide array of facial expressions was funny to the say the least, but I found it comforting in some way. Lately I’ve been feeling a bit lonely, ok well… VERY lonely would be more accurate (but who’s paying attention anyways)… yet it hasn’t botherd me as much as it used to. Anyways, I found myself wondering if anyone else feels a sort of kinship with the random strangers around them while watching a movie. For 2 hours of each movie, I laughed, jumped, smiled, cheered, and frowned at the screen with these people. For 2 hours of each, I found myself teleported into another time, another place, with dozens of people I knew not at all. And it didn’t matter. For once the film was rolling, all that mattered was the sound of a united laughter. Kind of cool.

Leaving the theater, the sun was falling and the sky was lit in that beautiful array of purple and orange pastels… the sun a fiery ember slowly fading. To the east a rainbow could be seen piercing the dark clouds that lay in that direction, the breeze washing over me, teasing, lifting my spirits.

I can’t remember ever having felt so content.

I love music. Deeply. One could say my love for music is akin to the undying love of a child for it’s mother, its protector, its savior. More times than I can count have I been teetering on the edge of some dark abyss, just ready to plummet into feelings of sadness and depression and yet music would pull me back. I can get absorbed into music so deeply, the words just spin there own little magic within me sometimes bringing tears, joy, goosebumps…. just thinking of some lyrics has me shivering with pleasure, grinning to myself.

Anyhow, this song has been on repeat for a looong time. Enjoy.

Jason Mraz – I’m Yours

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you’re so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks and now I’m trying to get back

So please don’t, there’s no need
(There’s no need to complicate)
There’s no need to complicate
(Our time is short)
‘Cause our time is short
(This is our fate)
This is, this is, this is our fate
I’m yours, I’m sayin’ I’m yours