Starting Today…

And that’s the name of the game isn’t it?

So, yeah, I’ve bitched and moaned on here about my break up pretty much since this new blog’s inception several weeks ago. While of course there is some residual sadness, it’s time to let go and move on… hopefully in a bold new direction! I’ve always felt so lonely in my life, as if I was always one of a missing pair… and it sucks. Whenever I fall into a serious relationship (twice… almost a third) I’m pretty sure I’m just so happy to click so deeply with someone that I immediately romanticize everything I’ve ever wanted in someone onto that person. And, of course, who can live up to such high expectiations? It’s a very rare person indeed (More on Personality types at a later date).

So starting today, I shall try to be satisfied within myself. Happiness shall be based around ME, Goals decided by ME, perhaps even learn to love myself again? We’ll see. These things are pretty hard for someone like me to do, but my aching soul deserves at least a try. After all…

“Those who wish to sing always find a song…” ~Proverb

So let’s sing, you and I. Sing whatever pleases you and whatever makes you smile but just let it all go. And maybe then, with our voices ringing out and a smile in our heart, we can drive our demons away.

Least that’s the plan. lol.

I heard your voice yesterday…

…thought not via sound. My phone had rang and immediately I had jumped up, my heart pumping, to see who it was. Visions (fantasies) of her calling to beg for us to be together again begun to unfold in my head. She would say she was wrong, she would suggest counseling for both of us, for herself, completely allow herself to be open and vulnerable to what we thought we had had…

But, of course, it wasn’t her And, of course, that ridiculous fantasy would never happen.

However, it does illustrate the turmoil inside. I know I need someone else, someone better, someone who does not lie to themselves daily about how the world should be… and although I know these are things I need I still long for her.

Letting go was never an easy thing for me. Maybe it never will.

My Missing Half.

There is difficulty in not only letting just a “romance” go, but the bond that you once shared is just as hard. Whether in love or not, this is still a person whom was once your companion in each and every way. Laughter, intrique, thoughtfulness were all emotions inspired by this person. Every odd little detail that occured in your life was shared in some manner with this other person and vice versa. Lately, it is EXTREMELY hard that once I’ve read something funny, or thought of an interesting concept I’m already picking up my phone to start dialing when I have to stop and remind myself just exactly what I’ve done.

Speaking to a friend yesterday I had asked her: If this was my decision, if this was my choice, why am I not happy?

Her reply was, well maybe the right thing to do sometimes is not what will make us happy. Some things you have to do and endure them, not because you necessarily want them to be that way, but because to furthur engage in whatever act it is would be only damaging to another.

And, Yes, I believe it would have been. No matter how hopeful I wish to be, or how how in love I thought I was, the only thing that could have come out of it was more anguish, more pain, more anger. Several times she had said to me  “I wish you would just tell me I’m not what you want”. And she was right. At first, she was everything I could ever want in a companion… but as soon as life’s dramatic events started to unfold she began to crumble bit by bit. Until all the passion that she once held was only expressed and confined to an addictive computer game.

Is it unreasonable for me to want more than that? Is it wrong of me to decide, No, I deserve so much better than this?

Logically speaking, no, i don’t believe I’ve done anything wrong. I just hope time begins working it’s magical healing effects sooner rather than later.

Exhaustion.

Last night was pretty frustrating in that I was not able to sleep. Dreams of someone awoke me without fail throught the twilight horrors (hours) and I write these words as a rumpled, tired mind. I have decided, however, that today shall be the first day in letting go completely. I will not cater to any false hopes I have growing in my enraptured mind, but destroy them.

Let’s raise a glass to tomorrow.

Love Lost.

So right now I’m in the process of letting go of a relationship. A very serious relationship in which we had created plans for a lifelong commitment and yet, alas, it was not to be so. I’m struggling to not give in to these feelings of bitterness over how it ended, or how I was treated during the home stretch, and it’s extremely hard. It was far from a normal relationship as, looking back, her expectations of how a relationship should be are definitely askew from the norm. There was a very uneven balance as I was expected to accept her numerous actions that directly harmed me emotionally, and if I did not accept these events she would claim that if I really loved her I would accept her for who she was.

Problem is, who she was/is is unhealthy. False expectations, false reasonings… all to support whatever insecurities or issues that she is. All the while arguing furiously that I was the one in the wrong… that I was controlling.

Anyhow, I’m still in love with this woman. Deeply. It is only in the interest of salvaging what’s left of my sanity that I had to seperate myself from her. How long could I submit myself to such torment? I would gladly weather such issues if she only admitted they existed… and not that I was completely wrong. How stubborn can someone be????????

I told my mother today of our break up and she was sad. She was supportive and belayed no judgement on either party whatsoever… and for that I thank her.

Sigh, there is a void within me. Let it not fill up with the festered dark resentment of such times, but with the light of hope. Is there a pain worse than that of a lost love?

I think not.

A Word On Life.

You know, it’s funny the things that we forget. While going through the daily meanderings of our lives there will often be times when we think to ourselves “I will never forget this moment for the rest of my life. Never.” Whether it is was your first kiss… your first day of school… the first time you met your younger sibling…the first time you were proud of yourself… your first love. And during these times the purity of emotion felt is undescribable. We do our best to hold each of these dear moments as close as we can to our hearts but eventually they pass into our memories as unnoticed as a leaf blowing in the wind. It’s a bit sad actually.

Yet these moments are our lives. Just one big jumbled ordeal of little moments and little memories that build us into the individuals we are. And that, in itself, is a very important question I believe. Who are we? Are we the young boy waiting for his father to come home? Are we the daughter wondering why mommy is crying? Are we the spouse that cheats on their other? Are we the antagonist that causes conflict? Are we the hero on the white horse?

Or are we all of them?

While perusing through my own catalog of memories, I realized I’ve forgotten so many things. So many moments within my life that truly have affected and shaped whom I’ve become. For better or worse. Lessons have been remembered and others forgotten. One has to wonder how often you’ve trampled your own footsteps. How often you’ve stepped on your own shadow.

So…Life. Full of emotion, conflict…decisions. This is the basis for any future writings that may follow within this page. To serve as an outlet of my own human drama so that years from now I may look back and have a better idea of exactly what kind of person I chose to become. After all, it is my life.

How exciting.