Is there anything more magical than the first kiss of any new relationship? As skeptical as I am about “true love”, yesterday’s First Kiss was an extremely thrilling moment…

Have some Mel Carter.

They told me “Be sensible with your new love”
“Don’t be fooled, thinking this is the last you’ll find”
But they never stood in the dark with you, love
When you take me in your arms
and drive me slowly out of my mind…..

Hold me, hold me
And never let me go until you’ve told me, told me
What I want to know and then just hold me, hold me
Make me tell you I’m in love with you

Thrill me (thrill me), thrill me (thrill me)
Walk me down the lane where shadows
will be (will be) will be (will be)
Hiding lovers just the same as we’ll be, we’ll be
When you make me tell you I love you

They told me “Be sensible with your new love”
“Don’t be fooled, thinking this is the last you’ll find”
But they never stood in the dark with you, love
When you take me in your arms
and drive me slowly out of my mind

Kiss me (kiss me), kiss me (kiss me)
And when you do, I’ll know that you
will miss me (miss me), miss me (miss me)
If we ever say “Adieu”, so kiss me, kiss me
Make me tell you I’m in love with you

(Kiss me) kiss me, (kiss me) kiss me
When you do, I’ll know that you will
miss me (miss me), miss me (miss me)
If we ever say “Adieu” so kiss me, kiss me
Make me tell you I’m in love with you

(Hold me, thrill me)
(Never, never, never let me go)
(Hold me, thrill me, never, never, never let me go)

“They cannot scare me with their empty spaces
between stars…on stars where no human race is.
I have it in me so much nearer home
to scare myself with my own desert places”

I shall miss our adventures together.

With over 90% of the precints reporting, the California Secretary of State reports that Prop. 8… the measure to ban marraige for same-sex couples… appears to have been passed.

Congratulations California! You just shattered the dreams of over 109,000 gay couples (New York Times estimate as of Oct. 2008). With the divorce rate higher than 50%, it makes me sick that the majority of you would have the audacity to even think you had the right to decide who should be allowed to marry or not.

Recently I’ve found it hard to ignore the maddening qualities of my enraptured mind. At first I wondered if I was struggling with a form of attention deficit but then quickly ruled that out once I was honest with myself about how I really am and where my insecurities truly lay.

Whether I’m attempting to study, focus on a lecture, listen to music, or even while working out, my mind is constantly and consistently focused on one thing: analyzing in depth any social interactions I’ve had, will have, or might have in the recent past, present, or future. What did she mean when she said this, how did he take it when I said that, what does so-and-so think about what I said then, what will I say if they ask me…

Sigh. This goes on everyday, every night, and is endless. It’s fucking exhausting. Five minutes ago I was attempting to get some much needed study time in when my mind kept wandering off what I was reading to analyzing interactions with some girl I sit next to in class and went out with a couple times. The only thing that broke my thoughts was a text message from, speak of the devil, her.

And so here I find myself… typing, writing, needing to express and vent out the frustration I feel with myself. The need to admit, via my good friend Mr. Internet here, that I not only care what others think…. I’m obsessed with it. Not just what they think about me, but just what they think about anything. Analyzing, analyzing, analyzing. Always trying to find some hidden meaning in the words or actions of others, always trying to read between the lines… whether imaginary or not.

Fuck Me.

Disclaimer: Those whom are deeply religious may be offended by the following writing. If you believe you could potentially be offended by the ramblings of an agnostic on the subject of religon I suggest you stop reading and go watch cartoons or something. Think happy thoughts.

I am currently attending a private college located in southern california. So far the institution is great, the instructors are great (my primary instructor is amazing) and the campus itself is nice. There is, however, one caveat: It’s a Christian institution.

This, in itself, didn’t bother me while I was going through the admission process as I assumed it meant the faculty was christian and they perhaps had stricter policies in dress, appearance, etc (they do). What got me a little annoyed was the other day when the President of the school walks in, gives a little spiel about her background and then proceeds to say that the reason she created the institution was because on the night of XX during the month of XX at XXXX o’clock in the morning God woke her from her sleep and spoke to her, telling her that her mission in life was to develop this college in question.

……

So I was polite during her little speech and didn’t laugh, or smirk, or anything… just maintained my poker face and was respectful. Didn’t join in the applause now that I think of it but hey, I’m just a man. By the way the bible says:

If a man still prophesies, his parents, father and mother, shall say to him, “You shall not live, because you have spoken a lie in the name of the Lord.” When he prophesies, his parents, father and mother, shall thrust him through. (Zechariah 13:3 NAB)

In other words, death to false prophets.

Anyways, cue today’s events.

It’s been some time since the alleged Prophet has spoken, class is about to conclude for the day and in walks in a former student whom just received notice from the state that she passed her certification testing. She gives this story about how she was going through hard times, struggling through school, money was nonexistent, etc etc.  She than began to tear up and with tears running down her cheeks stated that without Jesus as her savior she would never have been able to do it, now without God looking out for her, no way no how… and most of the class cheered her and applauded.

WHAT THE FUCK????

Why are they applauding that she believes herself to be worthless without some imaginary being? Why do people think of themselves to be at the mercy of some deity? I just don’t fucking get it. I try so hard to be understanding and caring and accepting of so many beliefs but today was just the last fucking straw. You know what it’s called when you feel you can’t achieve anything on your own without the support of some god?

PATHETIC.

What a way to fucking progress as a species. As long as we pray X amount of times a day, maybe in X direction, maybe give X amount of money to a church/synagogue/temple, maybe expel X amount of infidels from our country and maybe, just maybe, we’ll get what we pray for.

No amount of prayer will save you from what life brings you tomorrow.  I wish people would stop hiding from the realization that control over life is an illusion.

Just enjoy it while you can.

I’m going to sleep now.

Yesterday my older brother arrived at our front door to visit and I must admit that I almost wish he hadn’t.

He was recently diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and while I was aware he had .. mobility… issues, seeing it first hand is an experience I’m not enjoying. It takes him 10 minutes just to make it down the hall to use the restroom, cane in hand, and all the while grimacing in pain. He spent all day yesterday confined to the couch either sleeping or watching the television, always medicated, always with icepacks on his lower joints. None of his customary joking or amused demeanor… just a shadow of his former self. This is a condition that will last his lifetime and there is no known cure.

Out of arrogance, narcissism or perhaps even anger from past transgressions against me, I find the foremost emotion present in my heart not to be sympathy for him but to be horror. If my older brother can be diminished to almost a wheelchair bound state what stands in the way of such a disease inflicting me.

I’m ashamed.

… and my back is screaming. My fingers crawl along the length of the right side of my bed, searching for my cell phone/alarm clock/annoyance. My hand brushes against plastic and as I blindly grope for it (the fog of sleep still heavy in my mind) it goes tumbling off the edge of the bed and onto the floor. Sigh, nice.

I turn over from my stomach to lie onto my back. Reaching for the wall above my head with my hands while pointing my toes towards the wall on the opposite side of the room I streeeeetttcccchhh. An audible creak can almost be heard as I do so and it’s a damn good stretch… at least until the pain in my back returns. Guess I slept wrong. Rolling my ass out of bed I head to the window, undo the latch, and slide it open.

Early morning has to be my favorite part of every day. It’s still dark (obviously) but the scent of the coming day is amazing! The cold, crisp air, the scent of the rose bushes, the dew on the trees… I don’t know how to describe it.  Yet breathing it all in it gives me a sense of excitement and hope that today, maybe today, will be a wonderful and beautiful day.

Corny, no? Hell yeah it is.

i need to write more often as once was the case. For now though, it’s time to head to the gym. Have a good day Mr. Internet.

Let’s have a dance off…

Was on my way home from hiking and was greeted with this sunset… ahh.

Warm and fuzzies for everyone.