Is there anything more magical than the first kiss of any new relationship? As skeptical as I am about “true love”, yesterday’s First Kiss was an extremely thrilling moment…

Have some Mel Carter.

They told me “Be sensible with your new love”
“Don’t be fooled, thinking this is the last you’ll find”
But they never stood in the dark with you, love
When you take me in your arms
and drive me slowly out of my mind…..

Hold me, hold me
And never let me go until you’ve told me, told me
What I want to know and then just hold me, hold me
Make me tell you I’m in love with you

Thrill me (thrill me), thrill me (thrill me)
Walk me down the lane where shadows
will be (will be) will be (will be)
Hiding lovers just the same as we’ll be, we’ll be
When you make me tell you I love you

They told me “Be sensible with your new love”
“Don’t be fooled, thinking this is the last you’ll find”
But they never stood in the dark with you, love
When you take me in your arms
and drive me slowly out of my mind

Kiss me (kiss me), kiss me (kiss me)
And when you do, I’ll know that you
will miss me (miss me), miss me (miss me)
If we ever say “Adieu”, so kiss me, kiss me
Make me tell you I’m in love with you

(Kiss me) kiss me, (kiss me) kiss me
When you do, I’ll know that you will
miss me (miss me), miss me (miss me)
If we ever say “Adieu” so kiss me, kiss me
Make me tell you I’m in love with you

(Hold me, thrill me)
(Never, never, never let me go)
(Hold me, thrill me, never, never, never let me go)

“They cannot scare me with their empty spaces
between stars…on stars where no human race is.
I have it in me so much nearer home
to scare myself with my own desert places”

Recently I’ve found it hard to ignore the maddening qualities of my enraptured mind. At first I wondered if I was struggling with a form of attention deficit but then quickly ruled that out once I was honest with myself about how I really am and where my insecurities truly lay.

Whether I’m attempting to study, focus on a lecture, listen to music, or even while working out, my mind is constantly and consistently focused on one thing: analyzing in depth any social interactions I’ve had, will have, or might have in the recent past, present, or future. What did she mean when she said this, how did he take it when I said that, what does so-and-so think about what I said then, what will I say if they ask me…

Sigh. This goes on everyday, every night, and is endless. It’s fucking exhausting. Five minutes ago I was attempting to get some much needed study time in when my mind kept wandering off what I was reading to analyzing interactions with some girl I sit next to in class and went out with a couple times. The only thing that broke my thoughts was a text message from, speak of the devil, her.

And so here I find myself… typing, writing, needing to express and vent out the frustration I feel with myself. The need to admit, via my good friend Mr. Internet here, that I not only care what others think…. I’m obsessed with it. Not just what they think about me, but just what they think about anything. Analyzing, analyzing, analyzing. Always trying to find some hidden meaning in the words or actions of others, always trying to read between the lines… whether imaginary or not.

Fuck Me.

Disclaimer: Those whom are deeply religious may be offended by the following writing. If you believe you could potentially be offended by the ramblings of an agnostic on the subject of religon I suggest you stop reading and go watch cartoons or something. Think happy thoughts.

I am currently attending a private college located in southern california. So far the institution is great, the instructors are great (my primary instructor is amazing) and the campus itself is nice. There is, however, one caveat: It’s a Christian institution.

This, in itself, didn’t bother me while I was going through the admission process as I assumed it meant the faculty was christian and they perhaps had stricter policies in dress, appearance, etc (they do). What got me a little annoyed was the other day when the President of the school walks in, gives a little spiel about her background and then proceeds to say that the reason she created the institution was because on the night of XX during the month of XX at XXXX o’clock in the morning God woke her from her sleep and spoke to her, telling her that her mission in life was to develop this college in question.

……

So I was polite during her little speech and didn’t laugh, or smirk, or anything… just maintained my poker face and was respectful. Didn’t join in the applause now that I think of it but hey, I’m just a man. By the way the bible says:

If a man still prophesies, his parents, father and mother, shall say to him, “You shall not live, because you have spoken a lie in the name of the Lord.” When he prophesies, his parents, father and mother, shall thrust him through. (Zechariah 13:3 NAB)

In other words, death to false prophets.

Anyways, cue today’s events.

It’s been some time since the alleged Prophet has spoken, class is about to conclude for the day and in walks in a former student whom just received notice from the state that she passed her certification testing. She gives this story about how she was going through hard times, struggling through school, money was nonexistent, etc etc.  She than began to tear up and with tears running down her cheeks stated that without Jesus as her savior she would never have been able to do it, now without God looking out for her, no way no how… and most of the class cheered her and applauded.

WHAT THE FUCK????

Why are they applauding that she believes herself to be worthless without some imaginary being? Why do people think of themselves to be at the mercy of some deity? I just don’t fucking get it. I try so hard to be understanding and caring and accepting of so many beliefs but today was just the last fucking straw. You know what it’s called when you feel you can’t achieve anything on your own without the support of some god?

PATHETIC.

What a way to fucking progress as a species. As long as we pray X amount of times a day, maybe in X direction, maybe give X amount of money to a church/synagogue/temple, maybe expel X amount of infidels from our country and maybe, just maybe, we’ll get what we pray for.

No amount of prayer will save you from what life brings you tomorrow.  I wish people would stop hiding from the realization that control over life is an illusion.

Just enjoy it while you can.

I’m going to sleep now.

Yesterday my older brother arrived at our front door to visit and I must admit that I almost wish he hadn’t.

He was recently diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and while I was aware he had .. mobility… issues, seeing it first hand is an experience I’m not enjoying. It takes him 10 minutes just to make it down the hall to use the restroom, cane in hand, and all the while grimacing in pain. He spent all day yesterday confined to the couch either sleeping or watching the television, always medicated, always with icepacks on his lower joints. None of his customary joking or amused demeanor… just a shadow of his former self. This is a condition that will last his lifetime and there is no known cure.

Out of arrogance, narcissism or perhaps even anger from past transgressions against me, I find the foremost emotion present in my heart not to be sympathy for him but to be horror. If my older brother can be diminished to almost a wheelchair bound state what stands in the way of such a disease inflicting me.

I’m ashamed.

Feeling sentimental today. Have a little Ben Harper…

Waiting on an angel
One to carry me home
Hope you come to see me soon
Cause I dont want to go alone
I dont want to go alone

Waiting on an angel
One to carry me home
Hope you come to see me soon
Cause I dont want to go alone
I dont want to go alone
Dont want to go
I dont want to go alone

Every once in a while… or rather, fuck it, CONSTANTLY we need to express some kind of upbeat emotion. FUCK whatever is ailing us. FUCK the norm, Fuck the standard, it just becomes time for us to express whatever it is that is in us. Does music perhaps lead the way? For some of us, well, fuck yes it does.

Be inspired ye people, be inspired.

One of life’s greatest tragedies is the inevitable lesson that no matter how hard you fight it, how many walls you throw out in front of yourself, or how introverted you think yourself to be… you’re going to put your faith in someone. Someone you believe to be amazing and wonderful. And everything is great.

At least for a while.

Until the day they let you down. Then the pedestal crumbles and the projected image of the person you thought you were with begins to fade. And all of a sudden, almost as if it was overnight, you realize Hey, this isn’t what I fucking signed up for, this isn’t the man/woman i fell in love with, where did you get lost along the way?

Misplaced faith is a bitch.

And you, bring me to my knees again
All the times that I could beg you please, in vain
All the times that I’ve felt insecure for you
And I leave my burdens at the door

Chorus
But I’m on the outside and I’m looking in
I can see through you, see your true colors
‘Cause inside you’re ugly, you’re ugly like me
I can see through you, see to the real you

All the times, that I felt like this won’t end
It’s for you
And I taste what I could never have
It was from you
All the times that I’ve cried
My intentions were full of pride
But I waste more time than anyone

Chorus

All the times that I’ve cried
All this wasted, it’s all inside
And I feel all this pain
I stuffed it down, it’s back again
And I lie here in bed
All alone, I can’t mend
But I feel, tomorrow will be okay

Chorus

Certain songs have the ability to touch us deeply, penetrating whatever emotional walls we have established for whatever reason and melodically soothing our souls. While going through old playlists I rediscovered this treasure and felt the need to share. I’m sure LyricallyMe may remember this from another blog written long ago…

I’m not sure I’ve heard a more beautiful song.

Performed by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman.

Con Te Partiro – (Translated)

When Im alone
I dream on the horizon
And words fail;
Yes, I know there is no light
In a room
Where the sun is not there
If you are not with me.
At the windows
Show everyone my heart
Which you set alight;
Enclose within me
The light you
Encountered on the street.

Time to say goodbye,
To countries I never
Saw and shared with you,
Now, yes, I shall experience them,
Ill go with you
On ships across seas
Which, I know,
No, no, exist no longer;
With you I shall experience them.

When you are far away
I dream on the horizon
And words fail,
And yes, I know
That you are with me;
You, my moon, are here with me,
My sun, you are here with me.
With me, with me, with me,

Time to say goodbye,
To countries I never
Saw and shared with you,
Now, yes, I shall experience them,
Ill go with you
On ships across seas
Which, I know,
No, no, exist no longer;
With you I shall re-experience them.
Ill go with you
On ships across seas
Which, I know,
No, no, exist no longer;
With you I shall re-experience them.
Ill go with you,
I with you.

Or in this case, just open your mouth and the crowd is with you.

As mentioned before, I loooooove music. If music had a pair of long legs and killer eyes, I’d marry her. Anyhow, a great part of music is a live performance. I remember being at a Muse concert and just being amazed at the crowd interaction… its such a beautiful thing to see. Just being one of several thousand, everyone intent on bringing their hands together to the beat… nothing else mattered. The crowds voice rang out as one and as goosebumps broke out over me I had to stop and take a breath as I was overwhelmed by the experience. Good fucking times.

Here’s an example of the crowd letting loose. =)

Or… if you prefer Pink, here she is doing a cover of “What’s Up?” (4 Non Blondes)