It’s Noon and Fucking Hot As Hell…

and I’m at the lake of the local college campus.

I’m not sure what brings me here, really, just while running errands I found myself drawn to here. I’m not attending classes this semester, so watching the hustle and bustle of students just beginning their terms imparts a sense of inadequacy on me. Oh well, I’m trying to save money to move. I step forward from the bench I had been sitting on and skipped a lone rock across the water. 3 skips. I used to be better at this. As the circles of impact expand ever outward, once again my thoughts wander.

Moments before I had been trying to imagine would I would do different in any future relationship, how I would be. Wondering what residual affect my last relationship would have, if any. So I tried to picture myself in love again with someone and while doing this I tried to imagine putting as much effort into any future relationship as much as I had put in my last. And a phrase came flying out of my mouth before I even realized I was going to speak. No fucking way.

There is a nudge at my left leg and I look down. A dark, feathered head is plucking its way over the ground, oblivious to this 6 foot 2 human male standing in its way. “Hey buddy. How’s it going?” Webbed feet make their way towards me once again. Stopping about a foot away, he/she lifts it’s beak and utters a long shrill response. “Quaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack” and snorting, waddles away.

Anyways, like I had said, No fucking way. I try to imagine being nice, sweet, caring like I’ve always been and it just doesn’t compute. Too long have my extra efforts gone unappreciated that I just don’t see it happening again. I see myself as being very detached in any sort of future dating situation. After everything I’ve been through, after being able to endure and hold true to who I am for so long its finally happened.

The hopeless romantic is finally dead.

A Day At The Movies.

In an interest to escape the dark cave that has become my bedroom (and the wrath of my father), I chose to see two movies today at the theatre. Back to back, no breaks, no planning, just drive on over and see what chance has in mind for us. Turns out Chance either had it out for me today, or just has really shitty taste in visual entertainment. Anyhow, I found myself watching first Death Race and then The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor.

Don’t worry, I’m not here to write movie reviews. Suffice it to say that Death Race was a typical brainless action movie, The Mummy was just like the rest. I did, however, want to take a moment to just write about my interaction with the audiences of both films. Oh yes, we did interact. I’m just not sure they realized it.

During both movies, from time to time, I would glance to the left, right, and behind of me. The wide array of facial expressions was funny to the say the least, but I found it comforting in some way. Lately I’ve been feeling a bit lonely, ok well… VERY lonely would be more accurate (but who’s paying attention anyways)… yet it hasn’t botherd me as much as it used to. Anyways, I found myself wondering if anyone else feels a sort of kinship with the random strangers around them while watching a movie. For 2 hours of each movie, I laughed, jumped, smiled, cheered, and frowned at the screen with these people. For 2 hours of each, I found myself teleported into another time, another place, with dozens of people I knew not at all. And it didn’t matter. For once the film was rolling, all that mattered was the sound of a united laughter. Kind of cool.

Leaving the theater, the sun was falling and the sky was lit in that beautiful array of purple and orange pastels… the sun a fiery ember slowly fading. To the east a rainbow could be seen piercing the dark clouds that lay in that direction, the breeze washing over me, teasing, lifting my spirits.

I can’t remember ever having felt so content.

My Breath Fogged Up The Glass…

I love music. Deeply. One could say my love for music is akin to the undying love of a child for it’s mother, its protector, its savior. More times than I can count have I been teetering on the edge of some dark abyss, just ready to plummet into feelings of sadness and depression and yet music would pull me back. I can get absorbed into music so deeply, the words just spin there own little magic within me sometimes bringing tears, joy, goosebumps…. just thinking of some lyrics has me shivering with pleasure, grinning to myself.

Anyhow, this song has been on repeat for a looong time. Enjoy.

Jason Mraz – I’m Yours

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you’re so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks and now I’m trying to get back

Before the cool done run out I’ll be giving it my bestest
And nothing’s going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it’s again my turn to win some or learn some

But I won’t hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I’m yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you’re free
I look into your heart and you’ll find love love love love

Listen to the music of the moment, people dance and sing
We’re just one big family
And it’s our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved

So I won’t hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I’m sure
There’s no need to complicate, our time is short
This is our fate, I’m yours

D-d-do do you, do you, d-d-do, do you want to come?
Scooch on over closer dear, I’ll whisper in your ear
Oh yes love, love love love love love
Love you love, love you love

I’ve been spending way too long tricking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and I laughed

I guess what I be saying is there ain’t no better reason
To rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
It’s what we aim to do, our name is our virtue

But I won’t hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I’m yours

Come on and open up your mind and see like me
(I won’t hesitate)
Open up your plans and damn you’re free
(No more, no more)
I look into your heart and you’ll find that the sky is yours
(It cannot wait, I’m sure)

So please don’t, there’s no need
(There’s no need to complicate)
There’s no need to complicate
(Our time is short)
‘Cause our time is short
(This is our fate)
This is, this is, this is our fate
I’m yours, I’m sayin’ I’m yours

Starting Today…

And that’s the name of the game isn’t it?

So, yeah, I’ve bitched and moaned on here about my break up pretty much since this new blog’s inception several weeks ago. While of course there is some residual sadness, it’s time to let go and move on… hopefully in a bold new direction! I’ve always felt so lonely in my life, as if I was always one of a missing pair… and it sucks. Whenever I fall into a serious relationship (twice… almost a third) I’m pretty sure I’m just so happy to click so deeply with someone that I immediately romanticize everything I’ve ever wanted in someone onto that person. And, of course, who can live up to such high expectiations? It’s a very rare person indeed (More on Personality types at a later date).

So starting today, I shall try to be satisfied within myself. Happiness shall be based around ME, Goals decided by ME, perhaps even learn to love myself again? We’ll see. These things are pretty hard for someone like me to do, but my aching soul deserves at least a try. After all…

“Those who wish to sing always find a song…” ~Proverb

So let’s sing, you and I. Sing whatever pleases you and whatever makes you smile but just let it all go. And maybe then, with our voices ringing out and a smile in our heart, we can drive our demons away.

Least that’s the plan. lol.

I heard your voice yesterday…

…thought not via sound. My phone had rang and immediately I had jumped up, my heart pumping, to see who it was. Visions (fantasies) of her calling to beg for us to be together again begun to unfold in my head. She would say she was wrong, she would suggest counseling for both of us, for herself, completely allow herself to be open and vulnerable to what we thought we had had…

But, of course, it wasn’t her And, of course, that ridiculous fantasy would never happen.

However, it does illustrate the turmoil inside. I know I need someone else, someone better, someone who does not lie to themselves daily about how the world should be… and although I know these are things I need I still long for her.

Letting go was never an easy thing for me. Maybe it never will.

My Missing Half.

There is difficulty in not only letting just a “romance” go, but the bond that you once shared is just as hard. Whether in love or not, this is still a person whom was once your companion in each and every way. Laughter, intrique, thoughtfulness were all emotions inspired by this person. Every odd little detail that occured in your life was shared in some manner with this other person and vice versa. Lately, it is EXTREMELY hard that once I’ve read something funny, or thought of an interesting concept I’m already picking up my phone to start dialing when I have to stop and remind myself just exactly what I’ve done.

Speaking to a friend yesterday I had asked her: If this was my decision, if this was my choice, why am I not happy?

Her reply was, well maybe the right thing to do sometimes is not what will make us happy. Some things you have to do and endure them, not because you necessarily want them to be that way, but because to furthur engage in whatever act it is would be only damaging to another.

And, Yes, I believe it would have been. No matter how hopeful I wish to be, or how how in love I thought I was, the only thing that could have come out of it was more anguish, more pain, more anger. Several times she had said to me  “I wish you would just tell me I’m not what you want”. And she was right. At first, she was everything I could ever want in a companion… but as soon as life’s dramatic events started to unfold she began to crumble bit by bit. Until all the passion that she once held was only expressed and confined to an addictive computer game.

Is it unreasonable for me to want more than that? Is it wrong of me to decide, No, I deserve so much better than this?

Logically speaking, no, i don’t believe I’ve done anything wrong. I just hope time begins working it’s magical healing effects sooner rather than later.

Love.

From xkcd.com

Exhaustion.

Last night was pretty frustrating in that I was not able to sleep. Dreams of someone awoke me without fail throught the twilight horrors (hours) and I write these words as a rumpled, tired mind. I have decided, however, that today shall be the first day in letting go completely. I will not cater to any false hopes I have growing in my enraptured mind, but destroy them.

Let’s raise a glass to tomorrow.

Love Lost.

So right now I’m in the process of letting go of a relationship. A very serious relationship in which we had created plans for a lifelong commitment and yet, alas, it was not to be so. I’m struggling to not give in to these feelings of bitterness over how it ended, or how I was treated during the home stretch, and it’s extremely hard. It was far from a normal relationship as, looking back, her expectations of how a relationship should be are definitely askew from the norm. There was a very uneven balance as I was expected to accept her numerous actions that directly harmed me emotionally, and if I did not accept these events she would claim that if I really loved her I would accept her for who she was.

Problem is, who she was/is is unhealthy. False expectations, false reasonings… all to support whatever insecurities or issues that she is. All the while arguing furiously that I was the one in the wrong… that I was controlling.

Anyhow, I’m still in love with this woman. Deeply. It is only in the interest of salvaging what’s left of my sanity that I had to seperate myself from her. How long could I submit myself to such torment? I would gladly weather such issues if she only admitted they existed… and not that I was completely wrong. How stubborn can someone be????????

I told my mother today of our break up and she was sad. She was supportive and belayed no judgement on either party whatsoever… and for that I thank her.

Sigh, there is a void within me. Let it not fill up with the festered dark resentment of such times, but with the light of hope. Is there a pain worse than that of a lost love?

I think not.

Finding Peace.

For most of us, places where one can find peace are few and far between. It can be a lake, a theatre, a concert hall, a pair of headphones, or even a bathroom. It’s within these places that the serenity we feel allow us to breath. To heal. To mend the fissures of the soul brought forth by the drama experienced within each of our lives.

For me, my refuge is the coast. The beauty of the unblemished horizon, the clash of cascading waves, the cool mist of the ocean spray…. the words to describe such things fail to come to me. Countless times have I found myself alone on the beach, allowing the tide to wash over my legs as I would sit holding my knees between the bends of my arms. Allowing the breeze to carry me away to places unknown…

So tomorrow, leaving home around 5am… I shall seek peace.

I hope you do too.