Recently I’ve found it hard to ignore the maddening qualities of my enraptured mind. At first I wondered if I was struggling with a form of attention deficit but then quickly ruled that out once I was honest with myself about how I really am and where my insecurities truly lay.
Whether I’m attempting to study, focus on a lecture, listen to music, or even while working out, my mind is constantly and consistently focused on one thing: analyzing in depth any social interactions I’ve had, will have, or might have in the recent past, present, or future. What did she mean when she said this, how did he take it when I said that, what does so-and-so think about what I said then, what will I say if they ask me…
Sigh. This goes on everyday, every night, and is endless. It’s fucking exhausting. Five minutes ago I was attempting to get some much needed study time in when my mind kept wandering off what I was reading to analyzing interactions with some girl I sit next to in class and went out with a couple times. The only thing that broke my thoughts was a text message from, speak of the devil, her.
And so here I find myself… typing, writing, needing to express and vent out the frustration I feel with myself. The need to admit, via my good friend Mr. Internet here, that I not only care what others think…. I’m obsessed with it. Not just what they think about me, but just what they think about anything. Analyzing, analyzing, analyzing. Always trying to find some hidden meaning in the words or actions of others, always trying to read between the lines… whether imaginary or not.
Fuck Me.
